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Subject: I'm Loco
Replies: 9 Views: 312
vampboy 4.11.11 - 10:56pm
Why does this deep hurtful pain never seems to fade? My torn wrecked soul cries out in agony as though it has been stricken with a blade. Tears of hopelessness and helplessness involuntarily flow from my eyes. As despair and fear consumes me completely, i try to break all ties To save myself from the pain of abandonment and those goodbyes. Continuously fighting that other person living inside of me, to stop myself from being controlled, to differentiate reality from fantasy, but i keep losing the battle, and all of my lies are disclosed. This self-hatred keeps building up with great intensity. I lose my identity, often feel like dying to free myself from this stress and anxiety. To stop hurting the people i care about, to save them from this person residing inside of me. Wishing deep down that i could somehow feel less alone and isolated. From my family and friends less alienated and estranged. I was just trying to protect them, you see, but that person refuses to see any change And now reluctantly i have accepted my fate with pain, they are all right, i am truly insane. *
pallas7 4.11.11 - 11:06pm
Emo r.r *
vampboy 4.11.11 - 11:16pm
Not more than the poem i wrote about you. r.r *
masterly 5.11.11 - 01:37am
That's not a very well crafted poem.
Sorry to say.
*
vampboy 5.11.11 - 02:14am
I know. I did not place much effort in writing it, but thank you so much for your opinion! (x *
vampboy 5.11.11 - 02:18am
Oh, and if you do not mind, could you please point out my mistakes in this poem?, would be very much appreciated! *
masterly 5.11.11 - 02:31am
Sure.
1) cliche ridden
2) over sentimental
3) poor rhyme sequence
4) no attention to form or metre - even if it's freeverse, it doesn't generate its own form.
5) too much abstraction and no concrete imagery.
6) bland, passive language.
I could go on.
All in all, this reads like a rough draft, a series of thoughts jotted down rather than a crafted poem. *
masterly 5.11.11 - 02:33am
Oh, and your choice of simile at the beginning is pretty questionable, to be honest.
*
vampboy 6.11.11 - 02:06pm
Thanks for pointing out my mistakes bro! I will try to keep them in my mind. And best of luck with that book you're working on! Peace. *
masterly 6.11.11 - 11:14pm
I wouldn't call them mistakes, more like weaknesses.
Though, they can be fixed with practise etc.
Oh, and i'm shelving that m cript. I've decided to pack it all in.
I'm going to live in cave.
Take care. *
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